COMING OUT OF THE SHADOWS!
SEXUAL ADDICTION: THE ENGINE DRIVING HIV AMONG D & L BLACK AND LATINO MEN

My friend says 'gay' and 'bi-sexual' labels have cultural and social meanings that are restrictive and bias. They come with too much emotional baggage attached, he says. "I am metro sexual," Nicky says "I  date  men or women depending on my physical attraction to them and to the degree they fit my other dating criterion.  I date a person without regard to their gender or sexual orientation, he said. Yea. Sure. My friend Nicky is a bi-sexual black man living with HIV. Period. A horse by any other name ?  He is addicted to drugs and recently he recognized his sex addiction. First things first. He has a primary relationship with a woman. She has been with him for twenty years. They are separated but it is a typical heterosexual relationship. He has occasional sex with her and they enjoy being together. They have two kids. She doesn't know about his bi-sexuality. Nicky is on the D and L.  'Down Low' is a term used to refer to 'straight' men who have sex with men. A few years ago D.L. King wrote the book 'On The Down Low: A Journey Into the Lives of 'Straight' Black men who sleep with men." King exposed a closeted culture of sex between black men who lead straight lives. King all but blames D L men for the abnormally high rate of HIV infection among straight black men. I believe anal sex is an important ingredient but the book was very helpful in giving other D L men an opportunity to let go of the lies. But, the book does not explain what drives D L men to hook up with other brothers in the first place. King said 'It's like something that overtakes you. It's insanity."  Another D L brother agrees. "It's like a demonic spirit has come into both of you, and that passion is not who you are." It's the 'Devil made me do it' excuse.  Bullshit. Nicky grew up with the traditional macho belief systems and bias against gay men. Many Black men are blocked by racism from taking on the traditional roles of manhood, i.e. they are not able to compete fairly in the job market, to be the provider for their kids, and many are not able to be the kind of man society says they should be. Earl Ofari Hutchinson, a black writer says:
"Many of them, mostly young black and Latino males, have become especially adept at acting out their frustrations at white society's denial of their "manhood" by adopting an exaggerated "tough guy" role. They swagger, boast, curse, fight and commit violent self-destructive acts. The accessibility of drugs, and guns, and the influence of misogynist, violent-laced rap songs also reinforce the deep feeling among many youth that life is cheap and easy to take, and there will be minimal consequences for their action as long as their victims are other young blacks or Latinos. And as long as the attackers regard their victims as weak, vulnerable, and easy pickings they will continue to kill and maim with impunity.

The other powerful ingredient in the deadly mix of youth violence is the drug plague. Drug trafficking not only provides illicit profits but also makes the gun play even more widespread. Gang members use their arsenals to fend off attacks, protect their profits from hostile predators, and to settle scores with rivals. Many drive-by shootings have been directly traced to busted drug deals, and competition over markets and disputes over turf. Often innocent victims are caught in gang shoot-outs thus further fortifying the conviction that inner city streets are depraved war zones.

It's not just drugs and hopelessness that drive young men, especially young black men, to kill and dodge bullets. The huge state and federal cutbacks in job training and skills programs, the brutal competition for low and semi skilled service and retail jobs from immigrants, and the refusal of many employers to hire those with criminal records have sledge hammered black communities. The unemployment rate of young black males is double, and in some parts of the country, triple that of white males. Their high unemployment rate is made worse by Bush's retrograde tax cuts, and budget slashes."

There is one other ingredient Mr. Huchinson didn't mention. Many young black and Latino men seek sexual conquest as a way of achieving manhood. Our macho society 'perceive men with unending string of lovers' as an indication of a man's machismo. This ability to seduce more and more women may be envied or, at the minimum, regarded as normal. It controls young black and Latino men. In other words, their sexual addiction is the engine that informs their beliefs and guides their life.  Let me explain.
Sexual addiction is a hidden and little understood addiction in the black and Latino community. It is not my purpose to discuss in full sexual addictions but it is important to understand some of the behavior. "A way to understand sexual addicts is to compare them with other types of addicts. A common definition of alcoholism or drug dependence is that a person has a pathological relationship with a mood altering chemical. The alcoholic relationship with alcohol becomes more important than family, friends, and work. The relationship progresses to the point where alcohol is necessary to feel normal. To feel 'normal' for the alcoholic is also to feel isolated and lonely since the primary relationship he depends upon to feel adequate is a chemical, not other people. The sexual addiction is parallel. The addict substitutes a sick relationship to an event or process for a healthy relationship with others," says Patrick Carnes, Ph. D in the book 'Out Of The Shadows…Understanding Sexual Addiction'. "Addicts progressively  go through stages in which they retreat further from the reality of friends, family, and work. Their secret lives become more real than their public lives.  Only the individual addict know the shame of living a double life - the real world and the addict's world." Dr. Carnes describes how an addicts core belief system is faulty and leads to distorted views of reality. Nicky like other sexual addicts uses many devises to deny to themselves and others  that there is a problem.
"Sexual addiction can manifest itself in a heterosexual relationship in a number of ways. Some addicts seek refuge in multiple relationships." Nicky has several relationships outside of his primary one. They are heterosexual and homosexual. "Cruising is one of the ultimate activities for the desperate addict. Hustling in bars, streets, and parties is characterized by the contrast of excitement and loneliness," Dr. Carnes  explains.  Nicky, for example, was a addict whose cruising was fused with his other life as an AIDS Educator.  His knowledge of HIV and his ability to communicate it made him a outreach worker in high demand. This served as a cover for his other life. 'I cruised at GAY MENS HEALTH CRISIS', MOMENTUM, and the BI-SEXUAL, GAY, LESBIAN, AND TRANS GENDER CENTER," Nicky says, "All the time." One day some guy and me connected with our eyes at the GMHC lunch. I whispered to him to meet me in the bathroom on the 10th floor. We met and engaged in unprotected oral sex in the bathroom. Nicky's addiction is even more complicated for him because he, like many other men, consider themselves heterosexual, but are sexually compulsive in homosexual ways.  Nicky, for example, saw himself as happily married.  After finding out he was HIV, he went through a particularly stressful period that triggered his sexual addiction.  He got involved with a man in a restroom in at a big retail department store. He repeated the experience a couple of days later. Within a few months, Nicky was a regular in the 'pick up bars'. In time Nicky expanded into xxx porno shops, meeting men at the AIDS Service Organizations. The fact many black and latino men and women are sex addicts and drug addicts is not known in our community. We need to address the sexual addictive behavior. Many men self identified as heterosexual, compulsively cruise gay men to satisfy their sexual addiction. Lets talk about it.